in my feelings

A year ago, I found out I was pregnant with my second child and although the decision to grow my family had been a conscious one, the whirlwind that quickly followed was not.

How can I describe this past year without being consumed by the exhaustion that is my every day life. After Luna was born, although my life seemed to be moving fast on the day-to-day, the demise of my marriage seemed to be on a standstill characterized by painful emotions playing over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of reconciliation has never been an option. It’s the idea of being a single mom that I am still accepting. Never in a million years did I imagine myself as a single mother, let alone the combination of a single mom and entrepreneur. It’s like the cards lined up to test my resilience, my character, and although there has been much blood, sweat and tears in both areas, I do not falter.

I feel like I have not slept in ages… recently, the combination of a teething infant, adapting to a pre-k schedule, strategizing about my business and figuring out the co-parenting thing has been consuming me. I was asking myself when are things going to let up and that’s when the universe shines it’s light on me.

I received a few heartfelt messages these past couple of days… messages of sincere empathy, thoughtful notes or texts checking in on me. The idea that someone is holding me close to their heart, that other women are thinking of me and relating to my story, my experience… it’s what keeps me going. Knowing that even though night feedings with a newborn feels lonely at the time, I am not alone. I have a group of powerful people in my corner rooting for me and my girls.

Luna’s birth brought with it an insurmountable love that only a mother can experience but with it came loneliness, exhaustion, frustration and pain. Nothing prepares you for the first few months, even if you are at it a second time around. To say my village came through, to say my support system showed up, is an understatement. Although I wanted to focus on the positive, you combine mastitis, post-partum emotions, frustration when trying to get to know this new baby and not having your partner alongside you to help parent and it’s a recipe for disaster.

I think that while I was pregnant, I accepted that my marriage was over but after giving birth, I realized that I was betrayed, I was hurt, I was left to pick up the pieces alone. Being pregnant allowed me to deal with reality, with logistics. I couldn’t just drown myself and escape because I was carrying a child and, of course, there was Sofia to look after. Birthing my baby allowed emotional pain to fill the space she inhabited. During the first month, I was living in a haze of sadness feeling guilty that I wasn’t as happy as I thought I should be and endlessly trying to figure out how to be more patient with Sofia and her transition of becoming a sister.

It wasn’t until I decided that I would not beat myself up, that I felt better. I decided to focus on what I thought was best for me to get my head on right and, in turn, parent the best way I could. Accepting that in order to do my best, I needed to be at my best took a little bit of time, but when I finally started making decisions on what would make me feel better, on what would make me less tired, I was able to function, to think clearly and that alone was enough to boost me up and keep me moving forward.

Here I am now, four months later… still getting the hang of being a single mom of two. Allowing myself to make mistakes and trying not to be so hard on myself. I am driven by the idea that I want my girls to understand that the female experience should not be characterized by competition but that we, women, should share our painful stories with one another and realize we are not alone. In sharing our feelings with each other, we come to find comfort and strength. It is in sharing my own experience that I have been able to overcome.

I share with you all a few maternity pictures. A big shout out to my cousin who, on a melancholic day during my pregnancy, was able to uplift me and bring forth my “super mama” vibes. Thank you for allowing me to see myself through your eyes. I hope you enjoy these as much as I did.