expectations

This past Monday was my eldest daughter’s birthday and with every birthday comes many bittersweet sentiments tied to how fast time is moving. In order to make her day extra special, I put my feelings to the side and proposed that, for the first time post separation, we all go out to dinner as a family. Even through the bitterness of infidelity and separation, I’ve never used my children as pawns. Have there been moments of frustration? Yes. I’ve always maintained that no amount of frustration and anger proves reason enough to short-change my children from having a relationship with their father.

As a woman, my boundaries were set pretty early on because the idea of going our separate ways was something that I fully wanted and embraced. I won’t go into details of how the chips fell after we separated but let’s just say it was not pretty and it was not easy. So, here I was, celebrating my special girl with someone whom I share the responsibility of children but that I see as a stranger. As we are getting closer and closer to divorcing, I cannot help but wonder about co-parenting. A co-parent, by definition, are people who share the responsibility of raising a child(ren). I don’t consider us co-parents. I have gone through the single mamahood transition, finding my own way, building my own village. Yes, there is financial contribution and a weekly visit but other than that, I have to figure it out. While I do have my backbone of family and friends that help me out (especially my sister), I am a single mother and I wear that title proudly.

I can think back to the specific moment when I understood what would allow me to be a happier and more content single mother… at the time, my youngest was a baby and I was in the thick of it; transitioning from one child to two is very challenging. It was something their father told me that made me understand he didn’t realize that my expectations of him were more about the investment I thought he should have in his children rather than the investment he himself wanted or was able to provide. It was then that I told myself, I would hold little to no expectations when it came to his investment in helping raise our daughters. That was the game changer!

I am not saying this works for everyone but it worked for me. I changed my perspective and was a much happier person. The arguments quickly decreased because I did not expect the emotional and physical support. I have figured out school, schedules, appointments, ailments, enrichment activities, child-rearing and the list goes on and on. I hold no resentment. My girls are such an important part of my life… I want them to be happy. I want them to live full lives. I want them to be honest, empathetic human beings not afraid to go after their dreams. I empower them but in order to be able to do this, I needed to empower myself in this whole process. There is self-doubt and sometimes not so positive self talk. I struggle with feeling enough but I embrace solo-parenting fully and while it’s hard, I know I am doing my best and I just hope one day, when they are older, they understand what that meant.